"home"

Home...America... That elusive dreamy thing which I had been dreading...fearing even, from the onset of my journey into Africa. I got home and honestly, have felt that I left for Africa on a Tuesday and returned on a Wednesday of the same week; there is a dreamlike haze surrounding my memory already. I am so fearful that I will never go back; it tightens my stomach and makes me want to be ill. Random memories float through my sub-conscious; Kampala Road, Bwindi, Kiyandongo and Nakivali refugee settlements. I broke down and cried the other day when I got a message from Alex describing his Christmas; a broken generator, candlelight, outdoors. Heaven.

Nothing has changed here within the small confines of my life. Everyone has been doin the daily grind for so long...I mean yes, certain people's lives have changed...but as a whole my world post-Africa is exactly the same as was my pre-Africa...same people, same old same old.

Coming back hasn't been that difficult, exactly because nothing has changed. Whit peole weren't a shock, food was tough on my body, but not a shock. The million dollar homes in my area weren't a shock; neither was the grocery store. Malls were OK. Christmas was OK. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me, because it wasn't "hard"?? Does this mean something is going to slap me in the face later?? Does it mean that Africa didn't have an affect on me?

I wake up every morning and immediately calculate what time it is in Uganda...I switch prices over into Ugandan Shillings in my head. I want to go back...it is a fire that still burns within me...but it's not as easy as "I wish;" a flight to Uganda alone is USD$2,000...thats not some petty quick trip to Austria to see your ex-girlfriends former best friend (HAHA OOPS DID I JUST PUT THAT ON HERE?!?!)...

Everything is quite confusing, especially since its all jumbled about in my head. Almost all of my friends from home did not go abroad, and the ones from school that did are out galavanting in Thailand and Benin (those jerks!!), and most of the people from my study abroad group are well, too busy getting ready to go back to school to worry about lil ole me!